Monday, January 13, 2003

28 days and counting..

that's right folks.. the big 3-0 is approaching.. and i'm not sure why, but it honestly feels like i've been 29 for a really long time.. all of a sudden i'm feeling cautiously aware of my surroundings, my life, my achievements, my goals. is this normal? i suppose. i've had a host of friends turn 30 in the past year. and while it's nice that we're all in the same age group, it's also weird in that they've all turned 30 already and have nothing but woes to convey about this dreaded milestone. and, not to mention, they're all married with children with very few exceptions. but i know, it's completely a mental thing, age ain't nothin' but a number, etc. but just in the past couple of days, i've really been reflecting on things. i don't know how it started, but all of a sudden i realized that i will have lived 3 decades of my life and started to wonder if i had anything positive to show for it.

and i think i do... this past decade has been quite fruitful, actually. while in my twenties i managed to graduate from college, pass the cpa exam, get a good job, pay off an ungodly amount of money in credit cards, meet some very cool and some not so cool people, and discover my sexuality. that's quite a bit, isn't it? i mean, i have a lot to be thankful for! i'm in relatively good health, my immediate family members are alive and well, i have a well paying job, a nice roof over my head, a small savings account, not too much in debt (unfortunately i can't say debt-free anymore as the st. lucia trip was a little more extravagant than i expected), i have decent credentials that would carry me in the event of a (God forbid) lay-off or other unexpected crisis, and a loving girlfriend.

what more could a girl want? what more could i have possibly accomplished in the past decade?

well, the list is pretty long. and it's long because i've put a "do or die" deadline on certain aspects of my life, a "last chance" of sorts. things i've been wanting to really delve into for the past, oh.. 5 or so years. i mean, really.. i need to shed a few pounds.. like 15-20, so i can feel better about the way i look. i need to quit smoking cigarettes so i can better achieve my goal to lose weight and also, of course to lower the risks of cancer, emphysema, and a host of other illnesses that these damn cigarettes can cause (if they haven't already done so). i need to concentrate on my job and develop a stronger work ethic and better myself professionally so that i can eventually get a job that is more mentally satisfying. but more importantly, i need to figure out what i really want to do with my life.. and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the dilemma of the new decade.

i don't want to be a tax accountant for the rest of my life. i don't want to work for the man for the rest of my life. i don't want to live in chicago for the rest of my life. i don't want to live any place where the temperature falls below 50 degrees, ever again. i don't want to live in a country ruled by bush. i don't want to have to struggle to save up for a decent vacation every once in a while. i don't want to have materialistic/superficial friends that deep down don't really give a shit. i don't want to have to wait 2 years to afford to go home to see my family, yet i don't really want to move back to bangladesh for good. i don't want to get emphysema. i don't want to die anytime soon. i don't want to limit myself in anyway by allowing any of societies restrictions to be placed on me or my person.

so, you see.. there are a lot of things that i know i don't want, but in all honesty, i have very little clue as to what it is that i do want, in a big picture kind of way, that is.. and it's driving me insane.

in the meantime, i think i've mentally psyched myself into getting some of my shit together. i've got a personal trainer friend who is guiding me through the weight loss issue.. i.e. stick to a regime of healthy eating (fruits, veges, no junk food at all) monday through friday while working out regularly, and allow myself to indulge (in moderation) on the weekends. i'm looking into taking either a yoga class or guitar lessons. i'm gonna try my damnedest to quit smoking, and use the working out regime as an incentive (do you know how hard it is to run the treadmill when you've just had a cigarette two hours prior?). i will spend more time with my real friends and whenever possible visit my life-long friends who live in other states/countries. i will do a better job of saving money so i can help out my parents, and also take trips whenever i want to because travelling is the most exciting thing in the world, and i'm gonna get back into shooting pool regularly because it is truly a passion of mine and i've neglected it for too long.

i will do all of these things and then some because i'm turning 30. i'm reaching an age where, in my mind, if i don't put my heart into it and do it now, i may never have the chance/energy/desire to do it again.

now excuse me, while i get on it.