Thursday, February 17, 2005

smoke free: day 2 - revisited

hmm.. yes.. well.. ahem.

i didn't last very long at pool league. i tried. i really did. every time one of my teammates lit up a cigarette i cringed in my seat trying really hard not to ask for one. but you see, the problem with not asking for one, is that it then becomes the one thing you constantly think about until you finally do ask for one and subsequently light up. it's like the thought of that one cigarette, just a small request away, consumes your entire being and prevents you from being able to concentrate on anything else. your brain becomes fixated.

so you justify it a million different ways. "just one" you say, and that's it. or "i can't be that hard on myself.. maybe i can allow myself one once in a while", or "i wish i could just be a social smoker, dammit!". see....? it's the easiest thing in the world to justify having a cigarette. and so i did. i finally broke down and asked for one.

did i enjoy it, you ask? eh.. sort of. after almost two days of not smoking it feels a little weird, but it really doesn't take long to get used to it all over again. and so i had yet another one that same night. and then i chided myself for doing it because it essentially brought me back to square one. that's the problem with trying to quit smoking. it's so easy to get back to square one, yet it's so hard to get several days of abstinence under your belt.

so.. i'm back at day 2. only, tonight i have plans with some friends to go see a play at the steppenwolf called intimate apparel. normally it would be cool, except they're smokers, and we're meeting for drinks before hand and that is always a dangerous spot for an ex-smoker to be in. but can i really even truly call myself an ex-smoker yet? no. not really. maybe if i can go by for a year without smoking..

perhaps two days from now, i'll be revisiting this revisit. who knows? what i do know though is that just two days of not smoking has made a tremendous difference in my lung capacity as far as swimming goes. last night i swam 3 laps in a row without stopping, when before it was a struggle to do 2.

these no-smoking progress reports maybe boring and repetitive in nature, so consider yourself warned.