Tuesday, February 15, 2005

smoke free: day 2

before you go patting me on the back for making it to day 2, let me just inform you all that i've done this a million times. i've actually lost count of how many times i've tried to quit smoking. the longest i ever lasted was 110 days.

i clearly remember the day too.. when c and i originally met, i had just quit smoking about 2 weeks and found out that she was a smoker.. and smoked my brand! so even though we started seeing each other i felt pretty good about the fact that i was ok with her smoking around me.

well, we had a bit of an argument one day about 3 months into our relationship, and as soon as we parted ways i went straight to the store across the street and bought a pack of camel lights. but it really wasn't the argument that made me smoke. the argument was just an excuse to do something i'd been wanting to do for weeks.

so anyway, that was pretty much the last time i really, really, consciously put any kind of effort into not smoking. and that was 3.5 years ago! so now that i am consciously trying again, i figured it wouldn't be a bad idea to have little blog notes to track my progress.

did you know that i smoked my first cigarette when i was 8 years old? yep.. that's pretty sad isn't it? my best friend at the time, who's dad was a chain smoker, stole a cig from him and we both went down to a secluded spot near our building and smoked it. the irony of it all is that she never smoked, and i became addicted later in life. i think i pretty much picked up the habit when i was 16. sure, you can blame it on peer pressure or what have you, but the truth of the matter is that i thought it was cool. and of course i was totally stupid in my teens and never gave heed to all the warnings of addiction and lung cancer. not that i didn't think it would happen to me, i just didn't pay attention to it.

so now, 15-16 years later, i'm ready for this monster to be gone. but it's sooo hard! for those of you who've never been addicted, let me just say that it's harder than anything else i've done in my life. everything else is just peanuts compared to this. you have no idea how easy it is for me to justify a having a drag or "just one" cigarette.

but yesterday wasn't so bad. i smoked so much this weekend that my chest was actually in knots from all the abuse. once you get through the work day, it's sort of easy, but when i got home and had dinner, i pretty much craved the hell out of a cigarette! so instead, i turned off the tv, grabbed the book i'm reading (fasting, feasting by anita desai) and went to my bedroom at the oh-so-early hour of 8:30pm. i think i was asleep by 9.

today however, will be even harder methinks. i have pool league tonight; smokers all over the place, including 3 on my team. i'll have to do everything in my power to get through tonight, and if i do, i think i'll be okay.. for now. after day 3 it supposedly gets easier because by then, all the chemicals are out of your system. but then how does that explain day 110 last time i quit?? well, from speaking with several ex-smokers, i've made a mental note in my brain that the craving never really goes away. it just gets easier to say no.

if you've never smoked a cigarette in your life, i absolutely urge you never to do it. and if you have, and are thinking about quitting, do whatever you can to quit. i actually have some zyban handy just in case but i'm hoping not to have to use it.

smoking is for suckers. i'm gonna try to quit while i still haven't been diagnosed with emphysema or lung cancer. and also because i think it's time to be the change and prevent my niece from ever picking up such a filthy habit.