honestly...

when i first started blogging, i thought that it would be a great way for me to get back into writing. i used to write a lot of poetry and semi-autobiographical stories, particularly during and after a very trying relationship with a boy when i was in my mid-twenties. i suppose it was all the angst and confusion surrounding the relationship that made me write. at any rate, i lost that feeling to write after the relationship ended and i moved on. i've since searched high and low for things to write about, particularly in the poetry arena, but have been at a loss.

my blogs, for the most part, have been writings of my everyday existence. sure, i delve into a little politics here and there and spew my rhetoric when i feel the need, but i mostly just write about the things that are going on in my life. at times, it's not the most interesting read, but it's my life, nonetheless and i write about it because it sort of feels good to share experiences with people, albeit 'strangers'.

what i haven't done with my blogs, really, is delve into certain aspects of my thought processes which actually affect me hugely. allow me to explain: you see, in the past, when i've brought up topics of race or politics or other such debatable issues, i really only scratched the surface of my thoughts and opinions. i never really elaborated much on why or when or how and to be honest it's for a few reasons. 1) because i don't think i can quite articulate my deep and passionate feelings about certain issues and 2) sometimes my feelings are so deep and passionate that i wonder if i just sound like a mumbling fool.

but see, i'm about to turn 31 and i really don't give a shit if i come off to people as a mumbling fool. and so i'm about to discuss a topic that has been bothering me for the past few days. it has to do with race and it has to do with a close friend's sister and it has to do with and.y roo.ney.

i've met my friend's sister, (let's call her J) oh... about 2 times. during those two times i never really came away from the meetings thinking too fondly of her. my opinion of her was that she was the most immature 41 year old i had ever met, for reasons that i just won't go into. let's just say she craves to be the center of attention and at 41 one would think one would have gotten over that kind of behaviour. but i digress. she's from bangladesh but came to the states when she was five and has lived here ever since. her parents were very wealthy so she pretty much grew up privileged.

so, supposedly and.y roo.ney spoke his mind on some cbs show a few weeks ago. i didn't see it. to tell you the truth i'm not sure i even know who he is. everytime i try to picture him i think of mic.key roo.ney. so i get this email that's being passed around by J which quotes andy as saying things that i found to be borderline... ok, not borderline.. downright offensive. he basically goes off on a bitching session and decides to trash everyone who isn't a straight-white male. he disses immigrants, of course, because they run gas stations and can't speak proper english; he disses black americans for calling themselves african-americans and talks about how they have the united negro college fund and jet magazine and that if white folks came out with a white college fund and cloud magazine, jesse jackson would be knocking down their door. he also went into a tirade about how his tax dollars were going to some crackhead junkie who was squirting out babies in an alley, and how... well, you get the picture, right?

so J sends out this email to all these people with the subject heading: "beautiful!".

now, i so don't need to bother going into how many aspects of this man's monologue were offensive because then i would just be stating the obvious. the old deshigrrrl might have just let it slide, deleted the email and moved on. but the soon to be 31 year old deshigrrrl ain't sittin' down no more. i'm standing up for my beliefs and i'm making my opinions heard whether you want to hear it or not.

so i sent a reply to J asking her whether or not she actually subscribes to these opinions or if she just thought it was "funny". and i added my opinion that it was just another example of the white man (i have to admit, i used the term "whitey" because i was um.. emotional) rejecting everything that doesn't fit into his little comfort zone.

we went on to have an extremely sarcastic (on her end) and enraged (on my end) exchange of emails whereby i came to realize that despite the fact that surely there's so much more to this woman than the fact that she's a brown person, i wasn't so sure anymore if she was really brown after all! her responses to some of my heartfelt explanations of how many different ways andy's statements were offensive, not to mention wrong, were elitist and snobbish and completely unexpected. she had a very blase attitude about the struggles of people of color and came off as though all people of color use discrimination as a way to "play the victim", thereby inducing sympathy from others. in fact, when i accused her of promoting bigotry just by spreading that email around, she in turn accused me of putting down people of color by promoting the "victim" mentality.

i cannot begin to tell you how this bitch fueled my temper that day. and all the while i kept having to remind myself that it's okay for people to have differing opinions. but at the same time i couldn't help but think that there was something very wrong and disturbing about her manner of thinking. not because she considers herself an american, and not because she pretty much dismisses her true heritage, but because she actually related to the "white" experience much more than she did the "brown" experience. and for the first time in my life, i felt the need to call someone a sell out.

that's right. i called her a sell out. and that was the end of our conversation. she had a lame come-back but that was about it.

now, this incident happened well over a week ago and for me to still be harping on it is quite an ordeal. i guess if i were to break it down, i just can't get over the fact that she has absolutely no compassion for people of color and their everyday struggles with institutional, cultural and social discrimination. perhaps it's because she doesn't see herself as a person of color, which would be fine in a perfect world, but this world is light years away from being even close to perfect. maybe it's because she grew up privileged and never had to struggle personally? but even then, don't you look around and see the injustices going on in the world? don't you SEE?

the worst part about all this is that i actually have to see her sell-out ass at a fundraiser party coming up this weekend. now, the old deshigrrrl might exchange niceties just to avoid confrontation. but the soon to be 31 year old deshigrrrl ain't afraid to speak her mind...