untitled..

there are no words....

there are just simply no words...

none at all...

to describe how i've been feeling since late tuesday night.

i'm sick. i'm sick and i'm angry, and i just can't shake the ill feeling that's been sitting in my gut for the past two days.

when i lived in bangladesh, i used to think so highly of america. outside of the whole "land of opportunity" hype, i used to think, wow.. their women are so free.. their society is so free.. people can do anything they want.. they don't have to answer to anyone.. they don't have to worry about being persecuted for their beliefs, they don't have to worry about being gay or being short or too dark or too tall (yes, i was a little naive). and to tell you the god's honest truth, those are the things that made america so wonderful in my eyes. i was so full of hope when i came to this country. in my view of the world as a teenager, america just seemed to be the most progressive nation in the world. a place where people moved forward not backward, in time.

i'm certainly not feeling that way anymore, and frankly, haven't felt that way in a long time.

i'm just so.......... pissed off and hurt and sad. i'm numb yet emotional as all hell. i couldn't bring myself to come to work yesterday. but here i am now, and really, nothing much has changed except that i look at my co-worker who voted for bush a little differently. i can't help it. i know that i can't pick my friends based on their political beliefs, but dammit.. this time was different. there was a lot more at stake this time than ever before. while he voted for bush simply for selfish reasons, i'm sitting here wondering what the fuck will happen to all the people (including myself) who are now negatively affected for the next four years by this overwhelmingly holier-than-thou administration that really, at the end of the day, doesn't give a flying fuck about anyone that doesn't fit into their agenda.

i'm even more mad at myself now for having actually invested a lot of time, money and energy into my stay in this country. so much so that i can't just pack up and leave without incurring some heavy losses. too many sacrifices have already been made.. and i've found myself stuck in a horrible rut.