Tuesday, October 14, 2003

if home is where the heart is, where's my heart?

i'm back in chicago, safe and sound after a nice, albeit short, trip to the homeland. going home is always an experience, and often a new one each time. this time was definitely different. i don't know if i can put it in words, but i'm actually depressed at the thought of being back in chicago. i wanna go back home. really.

three weeks of warm, often scorching hot weather, family, great friends from back in the day, good home cooked food and lots of love is hard to get over. especially when you come back to rainy 50 degree weather and an alarm clock that tells you to get up and go to work at 630am. i suppose anywhere you live, there will be an alarm clock to send you off to work, but for some reason i'm just really not feelin' it this time around. i just wanna go home.

despite all the ancillary considerations involving a semi-permanent move to the homeland (um, like my being a lesbian for instance), the notion of moving home is increasingly coming to the forefront of my brain. maybe it's because i ran into a bunch of old friends and acquaintances who, after living abroad for several years, just recently returned to bangladesh permanently and have told me that they're loving it. maybe it's because i really connected this time with my parents, my sister, my niece, my really old and true friends. i'm not sure what it was exactly, but something definitely moved me. i suppose i'm just yearning to be around people that aren't afraid to show love, and who love me unconditionally. america is a cold, hard, brutal place to live in comparison. perhaps i'm being a tad judgemental, and perhaps the grass is always going to be greener on the other side, but the truth is that the glamour of living in the states is wearing thin these days.

so, this wasn't really meant to be a depressing blog, but i'm really in a very blah kind of mood lately. things are generally looking bleak. the sheer thought of chicago's impending refrigerator-like conditions are internally driving me insane. i just don't see a light at the end of my tunnel. i'm done with chicago. i'm done with america. i need a real change in my life before i lose all hope of an exciting future, wherever and whatever that may be.

so, if you haven't guessed already by my post-vacation-blues, i had an absolutely wonderful vacation! the only bad part about it was that it went by too quickly. my family and i went to bali, indonesia for 4 days (again, too short) which is a really beautiful, clean and not at all crowded island. we stayed in 'nusa dua' and later ventured to a town called 'ubud' which is absolutely great for shopping (particularly arts & crafts)! i bought all sorts of stuff, including a painting which is absolutely fabulous. if i remember i'll take a picture of the painting and put it up here. it's the first real painting i've ever purchased and i'm very proud of it!

bangladesh was lovely. it's always a bit difficult to readjust to the cultural and societal expectations that are put on women in general, but it's probably just a matter of developing a thick skin (which i don't have). but a few days into it, i'm in the swing of things and reconnecting with old friends, spending time with family, sharing/feeling/giving love. it's all good. i actually didn't see too many of my extended family members (i.e. aunts, uncles, cousins) except a few, mainly because i had no desire to face the inevitable question of "when are you getting married", prefaced by "wow, you've gained weight!".

i'm seriously on a mission though, to figure out very soon what i'm gonna do with my life. it's almost like going to bangladesh lit the proverbial fire under my proverbial ass and made me realize that life is too short to be spending all of it in a claustrophobic cubicle surrounded by conservative white republicans who don't give a shit about me or my kind. i need to live in a country where white people are the minority. being in bangladesh (and bali) made me appreciate the fact that the world is NOT all about white people as it is here in america. don't ask me how i managed to slip in the race card into this discussion, but it's everywhere, so i figure why not? he he..

at any rate, i'll stop babbling.

here's to a tolerable, and hopefully my LAST, winter in chicago.