ashes to ashes

dying alone has got to be one of the saddest occurrences, in my opinion. some of you may remember my blog from 2 years ago, when c's friend gene died of a heart attack in his apartment, but no one knew about it until c and i went looking for him and ended up finding him at the morgue of a neighborhood hospital.

last week one of affinity's regulars died of liver damage related causes and was found by either a friend or her girlfriend (i'm a little sketchy on the details) dead at home, alone. it was a surprise to everyone that knew her because she had just been seen a few days earlier at one of affinity's gatherings. i personally adored her. she was an older woman but full of vibrancy and always smiling. it's not like we were close or anything, but she was just one of those people who you were always happy to see because she was so cute and friendly and welcoming. apparently she would always ask c, "how's that pretty girl of yours doing?".

i was so sad when i heard that she died. then to top it off, the fact that she died alone was just heart-wrenching. the day after her death a few of her friends and her girlfriend went over to her apartment to check for any phone numbers for relatives but they couldn't find anything. nor could they find any insurance papers. it was just disheartening to think that she was just lying in the morgue while people tried to solve the puzzles of her life, where she was from, where her family was, how she died, how she would be buried, who would bear the costs, etc, etc.

well, two weeks later, they found a relative who came in to sign the papers necessary to allow her to be cremated, which is apparently what she wanted. as usual, affinity is arranging to get some funds together to help bear the costs associated with all of this. there's a memorial for her tomorrow, and i plan on attending. but it'll be really sad. bernice was a sweetheart. although i didn't know her that well i can't help but feel like it was just too soon.

but that's life i guess.

mental traffic jam

ever had one of those nights where you can't sleep because you're having a mental traffic jam in your brain? well, i had one of those last night. i got home from pool league at a relatively decent hour (slightly before midnight) and went straight to bed. only, i couldn't sleep. at all.

i tried to attribute my sleeplessness to the bailey's/coffee i had (make that two of them) that evening but that didn't quite explain the traffic jam of thoughts leaving my brain in a frenzy. besides, i've had bailey's/coffee before on a weeknight but i've never felt quite so sleepless in a long, long time. i couldn't even really tell you all the thoughts that were rushing through my head simultaneously.. concurrently.. in chorus. it was driving me batty. i got up a couple of times to use the restroom. then i got up again to have a smoke. then i got up to drink some water and paced for a while. at one point i just sat in the living room in the dark and tried to clear my head. nothing worked. i looked at the clock every half hour or so it seemed, panicking at the thought of having to get up in 5 hours, 4 and a half hours, 3 hours, 2 hours and 15 minutes... holy shit, somebody help me fall asleep because i actually have to be productive.. at least for my junior achievement class, if not for work. finally i think my eyelids were just so heavy that i couldn't keep them open any longer and eventually i drifted off to sleep at around 3:30am.

can i just say that i absolutely loathe alarm clocks from the bottom of my asshole? whoever invented it was evil as all hell. i particularly hated this morning's alarm which went off at 5:30am because c had to go to work really early this morning. i dreaded the thought of not being able to fall back asleep, but as soon as c got up, i spread out as far as my body could stretch as i invaded the entire queen size bed and slept like a motherfuckingbaby for a whole hour and fifteen minutes.

i'm so exhausted right now i could cry. i think we need a new bed. finding a comfortable position to fall asleep has been difficult lately. and it doesn't help that i'm extremely claustrophobic and c has a habit of venturing onto my side of the bed more often than she'll ever admit. i hate to say this but i think i need a king size bed all to myself. maybe i'll get one of those sleep number beds or the ones made of nasa space material or whatever the hell it is that conforms to the shape of your body...

i don't know... who am i kidding.. i suppose i really do need a new bed... but that doesn't even begin to explain the mental traffic jam last night. perhaps i really just have a lot on my mind and need to bring them to the forefront of my consciousness.

at any rate, i've scheduled a 60 minute massage for 5:15pm today. and i fully intend on falling asleep while colleen works my back with those small, strong hands of hers.

now that i think about it, i really like title of this blog... a "mental traffic jam" of thoughts... i don't think i could have described it more accurately.

a mental traffic jam of thoughts. thankyougoodbye.

try a little pacifism...

while today isn't really MLK's birthday, it is being observed everywhere in the country except in my office. ok, so maybe that's not entirely true, but almost. i always find myself watching a lot of television around this time of year because it's the one time (aside from black history month) when a lot of interesting documentaries, biographies, etc. come out in support of the slain black pacifist leader and i absolutely love watching them. the man intrigues me and tugs at my heart with his tireless efforts to promote non-violence, peace and all things in between.

i'm one of the most non-violent people i know... ask c, she'll tell you. her tireless efforts at trying to convince me that we need a gun in our home to protect ourselves are cute but futile. we watched bowling for columbine the other day on dvd and it was really an eye-opening experience. i mean, we all know that guns are everywhere and that america has the largest number of gun-related deaths in the WORLD. but i never, in my life, ever imagined, that you could open a bank account in michigan and get a free gun. i mean, who the hell thought of it? some idiot sat there and said "i know! let's give 'em guns!"...??? that's about as stupid as the asshole who invented the 5 day work week. i mean, c opened an account the other day and got a george foreman grill! thankfully we don't live in michigan.

i suppose the point really isn't about the availability of guns, so much as it's about what people do with them. the movie highlights the fact that in canada, 70% of all households have guns, yet several cities haven't had gun-related deaths in decades, while others can only boast about one or two. what gives?

it doesn't make any sense. none of it.

what makes even less sense is charlton heston's initial response to mike moore's question about why americans are so violent. according to heston, it's because america has so many different ethnicities. go figure. why didn't i think of that one?

i wonder what kind of speech dr. king would come up with if he were alive today. not just because of the gun violence issues mentioned above, but also because of what the negrophile has adequately summed up to describe the state of black america well over 30 years after dr. king's death. it's quite disturbing to say the least.

happy birthday, dr. king.

frigid, i say!

imagine waking up on a weekday morning and while getting ready for work you turn on the weather channel only to find out that it's -2 degrees outside.

-2.

negative. two. degrees. farenheit.

add a "windchill factor" of -20 and it's just plain ridiculous to even fathom stepping foot outside. but of course i had to because, you know, there are bills that need to be paid. it was so freakin' cold out on tuesday that all i wanted to do was stay under the covers and hibernate for the rest of the season. i mean, in all honesty, the snow was really nice and pretty to look at, but that minus 2 shit has got to stop!

so, when i got to work, part of the morning was spent surfing the web for accounting and/or tax jobs in hawaii. i kid you not. i found one too, but then later realized that i'm only teasing myself unnecessarily because i can't really do jack shit until the whole green card thing comes through. well, actually, i can, since it's hawaii and still part of the u.s. but i don't want to because then i'd be screwing my employers royally (due to reasons relating to a contract) and while on most days i might gleefully shout out that they deserve it and then some, the reality is that they don't, and i won't do them like that.

turns out there are jobs for accountants in the cayman islands as well. yep.. and tax-free too. but i'm not getting too excited about that lest i forget that them cayman folks (or at least the govt.) are mighty homophobic from what i hear. something about not allowing an all-gay cruise ship to dock in their port.

i'm finding it particularly hard to get myself motivated this year. i even called in sick from work yesterday, mainly due to a restless night's sleep but also because i just needed a mental health day. i slept in till about noon and then proceeded to watch bad tv all afternoon until i finally got myself out of bed to go grocery shopping and cooked a big pot of steak chili which actually turned out quite fabulous. that was probably the most productive thing i've done all year. no lie.

pool league started up again this week and i started the season off with a 3-0 night. let's hope i can keep it up.

i'm participating in junior achievement again this year and my first class is next wednesday. i can't wait to meet the new 7th graders. hopefully they'll be as wonderful and agreeable as last year's kids. i'm really looking forward to it. actually it's probably one of the very few things i'm looking forward to anytime soon.

i'm feeling really "it's the beginning of the year and i should be doing this and that and this and that and sticking to all my resolutions and and and" but not at all following up with any kind of productive action whatsoever. i'll be 31 this year, and i'm still trying to work out many of the kinks of my life that i've been trying to work out for the last 3 years. that's pretty sad, ain't it? like, am i gonna spend the rest of my life fussing over how much weight i need to lose and how badly i need to quit smoking? at what point does one just say "f*ck it, i've been trying to do this for years, maybe i should just give up on trying to be a fit and healthy person"?? does one even ever get to that point? or does one just continue making the same damn resolutions year after year after year? truth is, i DO want to be a fit and healthy person. the thought of being old and unfit and unhealthy seriously scares me. maybe one just needs to get off one's lazy ass and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

so yeah.. i think that in order for me to really follow through on the goals i feel i need to achieve, a huge change is required. a big one. like a move or something drastic like that. my current status quo just isn't cutting it anymore. it's one of those years, i can tell, where i'm just itching and yearning for something big to happen. and yes, i realize that 'tis i that needs to make it happen, but i just don't know where to start.