a small one...

my mom left this past saturday after spending about a month and a half in the states. she divided up her time between chicago and miami in order to visit me and my grandmother. while here, she cooked like a mad woman and i ate like a mad pig. and i have about 2 weeks worth of food in the freezer. i love my mom. i don’t care what any of you say, my mom is the greatest mother in the world. :p

the last time my mom visited was in june/july 2002. at the time, my ex, c and i, were living together. i’m sure if you check the archives you’ll see an entry about it somewhere along the way. it was one of the more difficult moments of my life, because it was during that trip that i came out to her.

but this time around, things were much different. we actually talked. there was no avoidance of the topic of my lesbianism. in fact, if anything it almost seemed like every time she turned on the tv, there was some show or another, be it will & grace or golden girls or ellen or even the damn simpsons, that kept using the word lesbian, and each time i heard it i cringed. not because i’m embarrassed to be one, but simply because i just wasn’t sure if mom was ready to have the word rubbed all up in her face. i think, however, it helped to make her realize that it’s a much more prevalent issue than she ever imagined, which, of course, is a good thing. i think she still thinks it’s a western thing, but hey, one issue at a time please.

so… i guess she’s at a point where she’s somewhat comfortable, or maybe just accepting, of the fact that her daughter is gay. though she probably really still thinks it’s a phase that i’ll eventually grow out of. she seems to think that there was some horribly earth-shattering experience i must’ve had that led me to give up on men entirely. of course i reassured her that this was not the case. i even told her that i haven’t “given up” on men and that i just don’t find myself veering in that direction any more. i told her about an incident i had recently with an ex-boyfriend who tried to make out with me and i just wasn’t feeling it. it just wasn’t what i wanted. however i did tell her that i would be stupid to completely cut myself off from being open to finding true love, no matter the gender.

so anyway, i think her biggest concern is that i’m single and living alone. i explained to her that i was happier that way. i tried to tell her that it’s in my nature to be alone, not necessarily in a social sense, but on a personal level. i’m a huge believer in having my own space both figuratively and literally (i am claustrophobic, after all). i can be sociable at any given moment, but at the end of the day, i need to come back home and just be with myself in solitude. i love that word… solitude… despite the fact that deep down i’m afraid i may need to be careful what i wish for. nonetheless, she worries that if anything were to happen to me there’d be no one around to take care of me. i told her that i have lots and lots of friends who would have my back in case of an emergency, but her fear, and it’s a valid one, is that friends may not necessarily be in a position to drop what they’re doing to come to your rescue; whereas lovers will (one hopes). i told her not to worry, and reassured her that i am indeed taking care of myself and that while it does get lonely sometimes, i’m much better off single right now. she asked me if i was dating anyone, and i said no, to which she said, “maybe you should”. maybe i should’ve had her read my recent blog entry, no? lol…

but to have had such a discussion with my mom was phenomenal let me just say…

so anyway, this whole discussion led to the topic of my father. until recently, he didn’t know. and until recently, i didn’t even know that he knew. but apparently, after repeated discussions between mom and dad about the fact that i’m 32 and unmarried, mom finally broke it down to him. she had kept it to herself all along, but i guess she just couldn’t take his constant badgering anymore, and i honestly don’t blame her. and my dad’s response? well, he was really upset. and he thought maybe i should go see a doctor.

that last line right there? it chokes me up. and really, it shouldn’t, because that’s the response i always envisioned him having whenever i imagined myself telling him the real reason why i’m still not married. but to hear my mom say it out loud was just really, really… heart wrenching. but see, here’s the thing… i understand where he’s coming from. my dad is a conservative, introverted, traditional, muslim, bengali man. in his world, homosexuality isn’t a word that gets used very often, if at all. so for him to think of it as a disease or something that can be cured by a doctor, isn’t too far of a stretch of his imagination.

the funny thing is, though… if anyone else had said such a thing, i’d be ripping them a new asshole right this minute. but he’s my dad. if anything i have to acknowledge the fact that i know him and i know how he thinks and i know where he’s coming from. but i suppose that’s about all i can do. i can’t change who i am nor can i change who he is. all i can hope is that he’ll still love me and that i’ll know it right away the next time i see him face to face.

i’ve always felt that the issue of visibility (i.e. being out) was the biggest challenge facing the gay rights movement, and in light of that i kind of feel like i’m currently in the middle of my own little mini revolution... it’s not a bad place to be, but i still somehow internally fear a face to face discussion with him...