drama-repellant®...

lately i’ve been contemplating the status of affairs concerning my inability to attract sane women in my life. i mean, to begin with, i am an extremely shy person when it comes to interacting with people i don’t know. i’m just not one to randomly start conversations with strangers, let alone women i’m attracted to. and yes, this is a confession of sorts… not with the intent of divulging my entire inner-self to you readers, for never shall i do that, but simply to invite thoughts and commentary from you all on the simple concept of flirting… and why oh why is it that i am always attracting drama or unavailable women?

now, at the ripe old age of 32, i’ve realized that there are several kinds of flirts. let’s go over them, shall we? there are those that are just simply born to flirt. it’s ingrained in their personality at birth. their flirtation means nothing, and it never will. it’s just what they do, mostly to attract attention because they like to always be at the center of it. they could flirt with the ugliest people in the world… it doesn’t matter, so long as they are the center of attention. let’s call them the deceptive flirts, shall we? and i say this because those who are drawn into the aura of these flirts are more often than not, in for a huge smack of disappointment.

then there are those that flirt with a purpose. that is, they flirt in order to attract the attention of another person that they are truly attracted to. now, here’s where we have a sub-split. some of these flirts are only flirting to have a good time because at the end of the day they know that it won’t lead to anything because they are either already taken or just simply unavailable for whatever reason. let’s call them the non-committal flirts. the other kind, however, will flirt to get attention from a person they’re attracted to with the express intent of getting to know them followed by a phone number or some other kind of information that could lead to a future meet-up/one-night-stand/booty call, whatever. i call them serious/sucker flirts. serious because they’re, well… serious about the object of their flirtation, but suckers because it often leads to nothing (in my case, at least).

then of course you have the flirts who just flirt for the hell of it… because they can and are good at it… smooth, if you will. they’ll flirt with you and then turn around and flirt with your friend, and then before you know it they’re at the other end of the room flirting with six other people. now, whether or not all that flirtation even leads to anything in the end may depend on several factors such as beer goggles, or what have you but i like to call them flaky flirts.

if i’m missing any other categorization of flirts, by all means, let me know.

now me? i’m a serious/sucker flirt. i don’t flirt with people unless i have an interest in them. i don’t flirt just to flirt nor do i flirt to be the center of attention. if anything, i run for my life whenever the spotlight even begins to make its way toward me. i guess in a way some would say that i’m no fun because i’m too serious, but in all seriousness, i don’t see the purpose of just flirting with someone for the hell of it. not to mention i don’t think i am even physically capable of flirting with someone i have no interest in because it just wouldn’t come naturally.

now, having said all that, i’ve had experiences with all of the above mentioned flirts (the serious/sucker flirt being myself, of course). and for sheer shits and giggles, i thought i’d share with you some of the most recent episodes i’ve encountered that have made me seriously contemplate leading a life of celibacy for a while for fear of… TMD.

what’s TMD you ask?

too.much.drama.

back in december when i went home for the holidays, i met a bengali girl. now, for those of you who don’t know this, it’s my hearts desire to be with a bengali girl. i have this romanticized notion of speaking to my lover in my native tongue. there’s just simply nothing hotter than that in my mind. so, i met a girl at a party in dhaka… actually, let me rephrase that: i met a fucking gorgeous ass bengali girl at a party in dhaka, and i’d bet all the money in the world that she’s gay. ok, well bi i guess, considering she was engaged to be married. i flirted with her all night long, and being the serious/sucker flirt that i am, i flirted with the express intention of getting together again later. now, she flirted back despite the fact that she was otherwise unavailable and i swear that under different circumstances, i might have woken up the next day saying good morning to her in bengali. but of course that didn’t happen because sucker flirts and non-committal flirts just don’t mesh. and let’s not forget she was engaged, and is, in fact according to reliable sources, currently already married but apparently asks about me from time to time. TMD.

earlier this year, i met another girl in chicago who is a friend of a friend. she told my friend that she thought i was cute (and i thought she was too), but of course she was already in a relationship. the second time i met her, she indicated to all of us at a get-together that she was “on a break” from her girlfriend and practically single. of course this was my opportunity to make my interest known and so i turned on my flirt button a little bit just to see if she’d bite. i can’t say she entirely bit, but she did run her fingers through my hair completely unexpectedly, and um, i don’t know about you all but to me, that’s kinda flirtatious, wouldn’t you say? i mean, it’s not like we’re friends and touch each other casually like that… so of course, a few days later i emailed her a very harmless invitation to dinner and it took her about 10 days to respond with a very non-committal ‘yes’ that bordered on patronizing and required me to be extremely flexible. so i wrote back to her and pretty much retracted the invitation as politely as i could because aside from her delayed response there was some other shit that went down as a result of her being a friend of a friend. way TMD and not even worth getting into. my conclusion? she too is probably a non-committal flirt.

most recently i was supposed to hang out with this girl who flirted with me a lot. i mean, she gave me her phone number the 4th day we met which i subsequently lost (not on purpose). she’s cute, but you know, not totally my type. so anyway, she’s a barista at a shop by my job and so i’d see her pretty much every day and she’d flirt with me each time i came up to the register. later i’d realize that she was a flaky flirt. or just flaky period. but one day, before i realized how flaky she was, i told her that we should hang out, to which she said yes, and we made plans to do something over the weekend. well, to make a long story short, we made plans to order in one night and eat and chill at my place. so she called me at 9:45pm to say she was leaving her house and that i should go ahead and order the food, which i did. at around 10:15 the food arrives and so i’m waiting. and waiting. and waiting. at 10:45 the phone rings, and i’m thinking she’s downstairs waiting to be buzzed up. but of course, she still hasn’t left her house, and apparently, isn’t actually going to come over after all because, get this… she just started her period. now, i realize that women have different degrees of period issues. but that to me, was just rude considering i spent money on food for her which would now go to waste because it was some nasty ass vegetable/tofu shit that i don’t even eat. i mean, who the fuck does that? not to mention she waited a whole hour before she called me back to say she wasn’t coming. WTMMFD.

so, a friend of mine said to me that the reason i attract so much drama is because i’m so laid back and chilled out. she said that drama queens look for their opposites and i happen to be exactly that. so i think the only way to repel all the drama is to become the drama. right? i mean, wouldn’t that be a logical conclusion? only, i don’t think i could actually do it. i try my damnedest to avoid drama at all cost, so i'm thinking maybe i just need to invent some drama-repellant®... or just retire from "the game".