Monday, February 09, 2004


i'm so not clairvoyant. in fact, if there's an antonym for that word someone please tell me what it is. clueless can't be it.

anyway, i met someone last night at the fundraiser i went to (where meshell was the guest dj). we only chatted very briefly, and me somewhat incoherently thanks to the 3 vodka/cranberry drinks in my system. but it was a meeting like no other. the details of who and what are irrelevant to this story but the bottom line is that after the alcohol started wearing off, i started to feel really, really sad.

my current song of choice is ani difranco's educated guess off her new album of the same name (this month's audio pleasure, a must-listen). it's constantly in my brain and it's such a fantastic song. so of course, c and i were listening to it on the drive home. and during that drive home all i could think about was this person i had met. so now everytime i listen to the song i think of her.

now, it wasn't a sexual thing at all. i mean, the person is most definitely attractive (read: gorgeous), and so damn cool and laid back.. but this wasn't about any of that. it was about something i've never experienced before.

i know this may sound a little hokey and all, but i've had all day to think about this. i tried to think of reasons why i might be sad, and i really couldn't come up with any. i mean, sure, there are plenty of things that make me sad in my life, but i had just gotten out of a party where i actually finally got to meet meshell (!!) and had a great time with c and some friends and we drank and ate and danced to meshell's deejaying. i was happy and there was nothing to be sad about. but during that drive home, while i thought of this woman, i carried around a heavy heart but i couldn't figure out why, and the sadness stayed with me the entire day.

i'm not quite sure yet what my conclusion is, but i think i may have made an emotional connection with this person (whom i'll probably never see again) and somehow i brought some of her sadness home with me. it's the weirdest feeling in the world and it's never happened to me before, but i'm more than willing to be open minded about it and accept it as, perhaps even, a spiritual connection.

so i ask myself in my best valley girl impression, am i, like, losin' it!?

i don't know. maybe i'm reading too much into it. maybe i wanted a connection so i made one up subconsciously. ok, no, i'm just not that conniving. but i swear i carried around this person's sadness all night and all day and only recently have i started to feel a little better about it. who knows, maybe we did a little spiritual exchange where i took some of her sadness and can only hope that i gave her some of my happiness. i could take tons of solace from that but isn't that borderline egotistical? hell, if i had any control over it, i'd do it more often, but is it even possible?

i certainly hope so.