a small one...

my mom left this past saturday after spending about a month and a half in the states. she divided up her time between chicago and miami in order to visit me and my grandmother. while here, she cooked like a mad woman and i ate like a mad pig. and i have about 2 weeks worth of food in the freezer. i love my mom. i don’t care what any of you say, my mom is the greatest mother in the world. :p

the last time my mom visited was in june/july 2002. at the time, my ex, c and i, were living together. i’m sure if you check the archives you’ll see an entry about it somewhere along the way. it was one of the more difficult moments of my life, because it was during that trip that i came out to her.

but this time around, things were much different. we actually talked. there was no avoidance of the topic of my lesbianism. in fact, if anything it almost seemed like every time she turned on the tv, there was some show or another, be it will & grace or golden girls or ellen or even the damn simpsons, that kept using the word lesbian, and each time i heard it i cringed. not because i’m embarrassed to be one, but simply because i just wasn’t sure if mom was ready to have the word rubbed all up in her face. i think, however, it helped to make her realize that it’s a much more prevalent issue than she ever imagined, which, of course, is a good thing. i think she still thinks it’s a western thing, but hey, one issue at a time please.

so… i guess she’s at a point where she’s somewhat comfortable, or maybe just accepting, of the fact that her daughter is gay. though she probably really still thinks it’s a phase that i’ll eventually grow out of. she seems to think that there was some horribly earth-shattering experience i must’ve had that led me to give up on men entirely. of course i reassured her that this was not the case. i even told her that i haven’t “given up” on men and that i just don’t find myself veering in that direction any more. i told her about an incident i had recently with an ex-boyfriend who tried to make out with me and i just wasn’t feeling it. it just wasn’t what i wanted. however i did tell her that i would be stupid to completely cut myself off from being open to finding true love, no matter the gender.

so anyway, i think her biggest concern is that i’m single and living alone. i explained to her that i was happier that way. i tried to tell her that it’s in my nature to be alone, not necessarily in a social sense, but on a personal level. i’m a huge believer in having my own space both figuratively and literally (i am claustrophobic, after all). i can be sociable at any given moment, but at the end of the day, i need to come back home and just be with myself in solitude. i love that word… solitude… despite the fact that deep down i’m afraid i may need to be careful what i wish for. nonetheless, she worries that if anything were to happen to me there’d be no one around to take care of me. i told her that i have lots and lots of friends who would have my back in case of an emergency, but her fear, and it’s a valid one, is that friends may not necessarily be in a position to drop what they’re doing to come to your rescue; whereas lovers will (one hopes). i told her not to worry, and reassured her that i am indeed taking care of myself and that while it does get lonely sometimes, i’m much better off single right now. she asked me if i was dating anyone, and i said no, to which she said, “maybe you should”. maybe i should’ve had her read my recent blog entry, no? lol…

but to have had such a discussion with my mom was phenomenal let me just say…

so anyway, this whole discussion led to the topic of my father. until recently, he didn’t know. and until recently, i didn’t even know that he knew. but apparently, after repeated discussions between mom and dad about the fact that i’m 32 and unmarried, mom finally broke it down to him. she had kept it to herself all along, but i guess she just couldn’t take his constant badgering anymore, and i honestly don’t blame her. and my dad’s response? well, he was really upset. and he thought maybe i should go see a doctor.

that last line right there? it chokes me up. and really, it shouldn’t, because that’s the response i always envisioned him having whenever i imagined myself telling him the real reason why i’m still not married. but to hear my mom say it out loud was just really, really… heart wrenching. but see, here’s the thing… i understand where he’s coming from. my dad is a conservative, introverted, traditional, muslim, bengali man. in his world, homosexuality isn’t a word that gets used very often, if at all. so for him to think of it as a disease or something that can be cured by a doctor, isn’t too far of a stretch of his imagination.

the funny thing is, though… if anyone else had said such a thing, i’d be ripping them a new asshole right this minute. but he’s my dad. if anything i have to acknowledge the fact that i know him and i know how he thinks and i know where he’s coming from. but i suppose that’s about all i can do. i can’t change who i am nor can i change who he is. all i can hope is that he’ll still love me and that i’ll know it right away the next time i see him face to face.

i’ve always felt that the issue of visibility (i.e. being out) was the biggest challenge facing the gay rights movement, and in light of that i kind of feel like i’m currently in the middle of my own little mini revolution... it’s not a bad place to be, but i still somehow internally fear a face to face discussion with him...

preparation instructions...

preheat your oven (do not use a microwave) to 450°.

once the oven is preheated and ready, open the door and stick your head in it for a good 5 minutes.

that's what it feels like in chicago today...

(ed: this is just a joke to make a point. do not try this at home)

drama-repellant®...

lately i’ve been contemplating the status of affairs concerning my inability to attract sane women in my life. i mean, to begin with, i am an extremely shy person when it comes to interacting with people i don’t know. i’m just not one to randomly start conversations with strangers, let alone women i’m attracted to. and yes, this is a confession of sorts… not with the intent of divulging my entire inner-self to you readers, for never shall i do that, but simply to invite thoughts and commentary from you all on the simple concept of flirting… and why oh why is it that i am always attracting drama or unavailable women?

now, at the ripe old age of 32, i’ve realized that there are several kinds of flirts. let’s go over them, shall we? there are those that are just simply born to flirt. it’s ingrained in their personality at birth. their flirtation means nothing, and it never will. it’s just what they do, mostly to attract attention because they like to always be at the center of it. they could flirt with the ugliest people in the world… it doesn’t matter, so long as they are the center of attention. let’s call them the deceptive flirts, shall we? and i say this because those who are drawn into the aura of these flirts are more often than not, in for a huge smack of disappointment.

then there are those that flirt with a purpose. that is, they flirt in order to attract the attention of another person that they are truly attracted to. now, here’s where we have a sub-split. some of these flirts are only flirting to have a good time because at the end of the day they know that it won’t lead to anything because they are either already taken or just simply unavailable for whatever reason. let’s call them the non-committal flirts. the other kind, however, will flirt to get attention from a person they’re attracted to with the express intent of getting to know them followed by a phone number or some other kind of information that could lead to a future meet-up/one-night-stand/booty call, whatever. i call them serious/sucker flirts. serious because they’re, well… serious about the object of their flirtation, but suckers because it often leads to nothing (in my case, at least).

then of course you have the flirts who just flirt for the hell of it… because they can and are good at it… smooth, if you will. they’ll flirt with you and then turn around and flirt with your friend, and then before you know it they’re at the other end of the room flirting with six other people. now, whether or not all that flirtation even leads to anything in the end may depend on several factors such as beer goggles, or what have you but i like to call them flaky flirts.

if i’m missing any other categorization of flirts, by all means, let me know.

now me? i’m a serious/sucker flirt. i don’t flirt with people unless i have an interest in them. i don’t flirt just to flirt nor do i flirt to be the center of attention. if anything, i run for my life whenever the spotlight even begins to make its way toward me. i guess in a way some would say that i’m no fun because i’m too serious, but in all seriousness, i don’t see the purpose of just flirting with someone for the hell of it. not to mention i don’t think i am even physically capable of flirting with someone i have no interest in because it just wouldn’t come naturally.

now, having said all that, i’ve had experiences with all of the above mentioned flirts (the serious/sucker flirt being myself, of course). and for sheer shits and giggles, i thought i’d share with you some of the most recent episodes i’ve encountered that have made me seriously contemplate leading a life of celibacy for a while for fear of… TMD.

what’s TMD you ask?

too.much.drama.

back in december when i went home for the holidays, i met a bengali girl. now, for those of you who don’t know this, it’s my hearts desire to be with a bengali girl. i have this romanticized notion of speaking to my lover in my native tongue. there’s just simply nothing hotter than that in my mind. so, i met a girl at a party in dhaka… actually, let me rephrase that: i met a fucking gorgeous ass bengali girl at a party in dhaka, and i’d bet all the money in the world that she’s gay. ok, well bi i guess, considering she was engaged to be married. i flirted with her all night long, and being the serious/sucker flirt that i am, i flirted with the express intention of getting together again later. now, she flirted back despite the fact that she was otherwise unavailable and i swear that under different circumstances, i might have woken up the next day saying good morning to her in bengali. but of course that didn’t happen because sucker flirts and non-committal flirts just don’t mesh. and let’s not forget she was engaged, and is, in fact according to reliable sources, currently already married but apparently asks about me from time to time. TMD.

earlier this year, i met another girl in chicago who is a friend of a friend. she told my friend that she thought i was cute (and i thought she was too), but of course she was already in a relationship. the second time i met her, she indicated to all of us at a get-together that she was “on a break” from her girlfriend and practically single. of course this was my opportunity to make my interest known and so i turned on my flirt button a little bit just to see if she’d bite. i can’t say she entirely bit, but she did run her fingers through my hair completely unexpectedly, and um, i don’t know about you all but to me, that’s kinda flirtatious, wouldn’t you say? i mean, it’s not like we’re friends and touch each other casually like that… so of course, a few days later i emailed her a very harmless invitation to dinner and it took her about 10 days to respond with a very non-committal ‘yes’ that bordered on patronizing and required me to be extremely flexible. so i wrote back to her and pretty much retracted the invitation as politely as i could because aside from her delayed response there was some other shit that went down as a result of her being a friend of a friend. way TMD and not even worth getting into. my conclusion? she too is probably a non-committal flirt.

most recently i was supposed to hang out with this girl who flirted with me a lot. i mean, she gave me her phone number the 4th day we met which i subsequently lost (not on purpose). she’s cute, but you know, not totally my type. so anyway, she’s a barista at a shop by my job and so i’d see her pretty much every day and she’d flirt with me each time i came up to the register. later i’d realize that she was a flaky flirt. or just flaky period. but one day, before i realized how flaky she was, i told her that we should hang out, to which she said yes, and we made plans to do something over the weekend. well, to make a long story short, we made plans to order in one night and eat and chill at my place. so she called me at 9:45pm to say she was leaving her house and that i should go ahead and order the food, which i did. at around 10:15 the food arrives and so i’m waiting. and waiting. and waiting. at 10:45 the phone rings, and i’m thinking she’s downstairs waiting to be buzzed up. but of course, she still hasn’t left her house, and apparently, isn’t actually going to come over after all because, get this… she just started her period. now, i realize that women have different degrees of period issues. but that to me, was just rude considering i spent money on food for her which would now go to waste because it was some nasty ass vegetable/tofu shit that i don’t even eat. i mean, who the fuck does that? not to mention she waited a whole hour before she called me back to say she wasn’t coming. WTMMFD.

so, a friend of mine said to me that the reason i attract so much drama is because i’m so laid back and chilled out. she said that drama queens look for their opposites and i happen to be exactly that. so i think the only way to repel all the drama is to become the drama. right? i mean, wouldn’t that be a logical conclusion? only, i don’t think i could actually do it. i try my damnedest to avoid drama at all cost, so i'm thinking maybe i just need to invent some drama-repellant®... or just retire from "the game".

private dancer...

as an aside to the main content of this post, i just wanted to share that i recently got tested for all stds (including hiv, syphillis, etc.) just because i wanted to know for sure that my body wasn't secretly harboring some wretched disease unbeknownst to me. my doctor called me last week to say i was clean and clear and disease free. i can't tell you how good it feels to actually know this without having to resort to mere speculation. for any of you who've never done so, i encourage you to. it's just simply better to know.

ok, so onto the main topic...

so, there seems to be a pattern going on in terms of my miami escapades. some of you may recall my adventures with "peaches" last time, and while i enjoyed it thoroughly, i vowed never to go back to a strip club because i just felt, well, skanky.

my cousin (male, about the same age as me) and i are really, really tight. we can talk about anything and everything under the sun from how we feel about our dysfunctional family to the various psychos in our childhood that somehow (albeit unknowingly) played a part in the development of our sexual maturity, to, well, plain old sex. so during one of these late night soirees that consisted of me and him sitting outside on his patio getting drunk, stoned and introspective, the topic of sex came up and i told him how i hadn't had any in quite a while. of course his solution to my problem was to take me to what he calls a "tittie bar". (i hate the sound of that).

now, feminist thought aside, i just don't like the idea of girls dancing around naked for the sole purpose of providing entertainment for sleazy men. i don't like the idea of men going up to them and slipping dollar bills between the various cracks of their anatomies with the promise of more if they agree to go to the back room with them. i also just simply don't like the general aura of strip clubs period. now, of course i have varying degrees of issues with the strippers themselves, but i'll save that for another day. but my cousin convinced me to go. and so we went.

long story short, i had a little back room rendezvous with "raquel". and let me just say that "raquel" was a hot little puerto rican mama who managed to absolutely thrill me to bits (i was fully dressed, thank you). i think we both had a good time, despite her fake perfect titties. :)

and while the remnants of my memories of "raquel" linger on, i have to admit i do feel skanky again.

but i'll get over it soon... probably before my next trip to miami, no?

greetings from miami...

due to the sensitive nature of the author's emotions over the weekend, portions of the original entry have been removed.

it's hotter than hell out here. if i wore an orange robe i'd probably burst into flames. but i got in the atlantic ocean for a bit yesterday but i didn't have my bathing suit with me so it wasn't as enjoyable as i would've liked it to be. we had a little picnic and hung out at the beach and fried for a while but it rained later and after that the weather was a lot more bearable... but generally speaking the air quality is stagnant and humid and not comfortable at all. it's all about the air conditioning here, let me tell ya.

tomorrow will probably call for more beach activities but this time i'll be prepared with a bathing suit. i'll be watching out for sharks no doubt cuz i could really use both my legs for the remainder of my life.

still haven't gotten laid (but thanks for the good wishes mwilli)... gay pride was non eventful. i was home early and exhausted as hell. i'm just getting old... yeah, that's what it is.

what's going on on your end?